i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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