was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
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Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
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Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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