proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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