Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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