They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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