The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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