While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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