shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
