I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Non-Jews are for practice
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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