did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
