my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
