Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
