Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My vagina is very pro this idea
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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