the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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