yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
