The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
