it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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