where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
