I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
