We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
