Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
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Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
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I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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