census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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