chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
