he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm bleeding and have questions
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
