Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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