If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Congratulations! We have a period
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