you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
