Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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