thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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