Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
