oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
