have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
