i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
