I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
