listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
