so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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