Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
