At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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