I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
