Don't make out with my wife yet
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
