break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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