i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
