These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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