Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
