Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
