I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
