i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
