i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
sarcasm needs its own font
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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