I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
