where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
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I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
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Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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