areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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