textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
