I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
