you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Floor bacon is actually really good
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
