Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
