i think my tv is drunk
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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