Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
