The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
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You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
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I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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