the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
